So Sick of Empty Presents

There has been something circling my head for the past few days. It’s the worst kind of circling; the kind that keeps tugging at your sleeve even when you beg it to leave you alone and let you sleep. The story behind it is as follows:

I recently met a boy; for the purposes of this being on the internet, let’s call him Fred.

I’ll be the first to admit that it is both the largest blessing and my greatest curse to fall in love with everything and everybody so very easily. Seriously, the way that the wind smells, or the way raindrops feel on my skin, or little idiosyncrasies about each person I’m blessed enough to be able to meet…. I fall in love with a million little different things a day.

I guess that’s why I always have such high hopes for people. I have been told that I appear to come off as an incredibly cold and reserved person when people first meet me; but trust me when I tell you every inch of my body is rooting for you, friend. From the very beginning; my soul screams “I believe that this person will be the most wonderful yet!”

Fred was no different. From the very first conversation I had with Fred I immediately and silently began to pick out small things; tiny microscopic things; that made me find him as a person so very wonderful. It’s just what I do….

Fred was the first boy that I decided I was attracted to after my very recent breakup with my previous boyfriend, Phil. Like Phil, Fred was funny and easygoing, and light. I was automatically drawn to him because I am an intensely heavy person and have been cursed (and blessed) with an uncontrollable ability to feel everything so deeply, and I am therefore drawn towards people who help me lighten up.

There’s a saying; dreamers need realists to keep them from flying too close to the sun, but without the dreamers the realists will never get off the ground. I guess it’s sort of like that.

Fred was even a gemini, just like Phil was, what a coincidence I thought (not really I know).

Fred was a beautiful boy, with a soul that seemed equally as wonderful. I immediately was drawn to his positive outlook on the future. I was drawn to his ability to stay encouraged after walking through personal hells (that were relatively similar to mine).

This was so exciting to me as I am always on the lookout for souls that are beautiful and worthwhile getting to know. It seemed like I could talk to Fred forever; probably because he’s the type of person that let’s you talk, and he listens (let’s be honest, those are the best people).

I could have probably spent years reclined in the seat of Fred’s car, letting him show me all his favorite songs (you really can tell the world about a person based upon the type of music they listen to), and listening to his various adventure stories (well…. listening and sometimes getting distracted by the muscular physique underneath his thin white t-shirt…. okay, no wait, you’re getting distracted, concentrate).

After I had driven home after that first date with Fred I lay in my bed with butterflies in my tummy…. and it had been FOREVER since I had felt butterflies in my tummy. Of course I was texting Fred, trying to gauge what his input on the date was, and praying to God thanking him for sending me someone who could give me those butterflies again.

It takes something truly awesome for me to pray and thank God for it, mind you; Him and I are on rocky terms right now.

But throughout the evening Fred’s comments became increasingly sexualized, and more personal (in the bad way) and uncomfortable.

Eventually the truth slipped out that Fred wasn’t interested in my soul like I was interested in his, honestly after the days that followed this moment, I wondered if he was even interested in my soul at all; or if he just wanted to see me naked.

Being the type of girl that I am I declined Fred’s offer.

Fred said he’d remain my friend. This made me slightly sad; I think it’s rare when you come across people that seem to be just as beautiful on the outside as they are on the inside, and I have to admit that I thought that this man was one of those people. And I wanted him for that.

But given that he was such a (seemingly) sweet person, and so much fun to be around, I decided I could be down for being his friend. After all; maybe we just weren’t after the same things.

Stuff like this at my age happens all the time; miscommunications and misconceptions…. Misunderstandings lead to fallout. But what really broke my heart about the situation came in the days that followed.

In the days that followed this encounter Fred disappeared off of the face of the planet.

Normally, I wouldn’t care much if I had a friend who I didn’t speak to for a few days. However, when you have a friend that goes from blowing up your phone to not even responding to a snapchat, or a text…. It’s pretty easy to figure out what’s going on.

I think that’s the hardest part about believing in people so much; when you discover that perhaps they aren’t what you believed they could  be it always breaks your heart; no matter how short of a period of time you believed in them (I still die a little inside when the McDonald’s dude puts pickles on my cheeseburger. Like, seriously? I believed in you dude….).

I don’t know. I guess it’s sort of like finding the most beautiful book; it’s bound in gold and the description on the back seems like it’s the most perfect thing. You buy it, you can’t wait to bring it home and curl up and lose your mind in it. You can’t wait to soak up everything new that that book’s pages will offer you.

But you open the book; and the whole thing is in a language you can’t read.

I found myself asking my best girlfriend if I should take his offer…. Or maybe compromise a little with him (to which she, in the most polite way she possibly could, called me a dumb ass).

I found myself wondering what was so wrong with me that made me so easy to just walk away from (stemming not just from Fred, but from a lifetime of being walked away from for my various inadequacies).

I then realized how absolutely ABSURD it was that I was seriously hung up on this person. I was literally spending so much time thinking, wondering, losing sleep, over someone who I barely new. Someone who displayed so quickly just how easily he can walk in and then out of people’s lives if they don’t offer him what he’s looking for. Here I was, thinking that I was wrong; and that I needed to adjust.

And so now it’s like 3:00 in the morning and all I can think about is when on God’s Earth did this become okay??? What is it about our generation that makes people feel like it’s okay to use people for their bodies and toss them aside like used tissues? Have you forgotten, sir, that I have a beating heart? My blood rushes and my head spins just like yours. My heart shatters and leaps just as yours does. I have dreams, and a mommy and a daddy just like you do that love me very much.

May I also remind you, that I too had a heart that from the beginning was very hopeful in believing in yours.

So why is it okay for you to think you can use my body?

This blog post isn’t a bash on Fred specifically, I’m sure he has his reasons just as I have mine. I’m sure that Fred is probably a good person (or maybe not, idk, I only knew the guy for a week).

I don’t know, maybe he’s hung up on some other girl. Maybe he’s just horny. Maybe he just thinks I suck. Whatever.

This isn’t even a bash on “one night stands” or the concept of “friends with benefits.” I’m no where near a perfect person; and I have participated in every single thing that I am speaking against now. I guess that’s hypocritical, isn’t it? Maybe not. I don’t really care.

This is a bash on the generation that raised Fred and I, and told us that it was okay to treat other human beings like cravings of certain foods.

If you’re reading this post and you’re a girl (which I know you probably are), please take this advice; don’t ever change. Don’t ever compromise. Don’t ever think that you have to strip down, sex up, or put out in any way to satisfy anybody else.

A guy (or girl) that doesn’t recognize how beautiful you are as a person has no right, much less any say, in anything regarding your body. The type of person you want will fall in love with your soul, not your body (and then maybe your body because let’s just be honest, you’re a babe).

This goes for people beyond relationships as well; as I mentioned before, I was content with a friendship with Fred.

You should except no one into your inner circle that doesn’t recognize just who you are as a person. You shouldn’t have to lose sleep over anyone who doesn’t lose sleep over you.

I will say, however, that you should never not believe in people. I remain strong in my belief that people are good. Fred probably had no idea how his behavior impacted me; I believe now that he’s probably the type of person that doesn’t think about the fact that every little microscopic thing you do will ripple into someone else’s life in some way. I still believe in Fred. If we’re being honest; I don’t really know Fred. That’s probably why I can still believe in him.

That leaves me with the people that are reading this that are not on my side of the story; maybe you’re a Fred. All that I ask is for you to keep in mind that you don’t know people. You don’t know their demons; you don’t know their life or their scars.

In the case of Fred; you don’t know whether or not you’re walking out on a girl who has been walked out on so many times in her life that even someone she barely knows doing it is enough to make her cry for a moment.

Keep this in mind whenever you have any interaction with anyone. Always strive to make your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your best friend, your mom, a complete stranger, your fish, a cheeseburger, idk, feel like the most important, wonderful person in the whole wide world.

Because they are; for the sole reason that there is no one else on this planet that is quite like them. They are book with pages that offer people beautiful wonderful things (even if you can’t read their pages yourself).

Be careful with how you touch people. You’d be surprised how easy it is to leave cuts on hearts.

We live in a generation of Freds; empty presents. You run downstairs on Christmas morning and find a HUGE intricately wrapped, beautiful present under the tree, just for YOU! “It must be wonderful,” you think! So you tear into the wrapping paper, and toss aside all of its TEMPORARY glory, gloss, and shine. You rip open the box and find that there is nothing, not a single thing, on the inside. Suddenly your chest gets heavy, and you sort of can’t breath. You feel stupid; no one should get this upset over a present…. But dammit, you were just so excited… You were so hopeful….

I’m here to remind you that you should never be an empty present. You should be a present with a new xbox in it or something like that I don’t know.

This post probably made no sense. I hope you get what I’m trying to throw at ya….

Loving you long time my friend, xx